So Mark and Grace Driscoll just released a new book about marriage and sex, and it’s #1 on the New York Times Bestseller List. It’s generated a good deal of controversy because of one chapter, in which the Driscolls answer graphic questions about what sort of sexual behavior is permissible in marriage.

Pastor Ed Young also released a new book with his wife Lisa, called Sexperiment (yes, that’s the real title), based on the highly publicized challenge they issued to married members of their church to have sex every day for seven days. In conjunction with the book’s release, the Youngs staged a “bed-in” on the top of their church building for 24 hours. I think the idea was to generate buzz around the concept that sex is a good thing created by God. Something like that.

All of this has raised the question of how we should talk about sex in the Christian community. The Bible talks about sex and marriage a lot, and in today’s sexually obsessed culture we can’t ignore the subject. As a college pastor, I’m solidly convinced that it’s a critical topic to address, especially with young people.

But are there boundaries we should set around how we discuss the subject? Let me suggest a few principles for how to discuss sex in a straightforward yet productive way:

1. Treat it as a sacred subject. Why? Because sex is sacred. Paul tells us that the “one-flesh” relationship in marriage represents the relationship between Christ and His church (Ephesians 5:31-32). So sex isn’t something to snicker at or sensationalize. Every pastor knows that talking about sex is an easy way to fill the room. Our world is fascinated with the topic. So it’s quite tempting to talk about it in a way that’s certain to generate attention and controversy. But that’s a mistake. The Bible treats it as an important and serious subject, and I think we should as well.

2. Treat it as a deeply personal subject. Every person has different feelings and attitudes toward sex. Some are addicted to it, some are afraid of it, and some are repulsed by it. Some people have been abused, used, or neglected. And of course some people have perfectly healthy views about it. I don’t think it’s wise to give everybody the same advice when it comes to specific expressions of marital sexuality. For some couples, having sex every day for a week is a good idea. For others, it’s a terrible idea. In fact, some couples should probably be advised to abstain for awhile, to work on other areas of their relationship first. Because every person is different, every marriage is different and should be approached that way.

I also think some things are meant to be private. The details of one’s sex life in marriage aren’t meant to be shouted from the rooftops or sold in the local bookstore. I don’t think this is prudishness. Instead, it’s an acknowledgement of the deeply personal and sensitive nature of sexuality. We need to be careful not to make others feel unnecessarily ashamed or inappropriately curious or deeply disgusted. A good question to ask is, “Why am I sharing this detail? Even though sharing it isn’t a sin, is it productive and beneficial?”

3. Acknowledge that sex is more than a physical act. Because our bodies and spirits are so closely connected, sex is much more than the union of two bodies in a bed. My sexuality is deeply tied to my sense of personal identity. When people engage in sex, they are opening themselves up to another person in more ways than the physical. Even those who have never engaged in sex recognize that their sexual desires touch on issues much deeper than the physical body. So when we talk about sex, we need to discuss it in conjunction with other critical issues, like how we relate to God and to other people. Crude discussions about what positions or activities are acceptable from a physical standpoint tend to miss the point. The bigger issue is how we ought to approach sexuality from the standpoint of discipleship — in other words, what does my sexuality have to do with how I follow Jesus? The Bible seems much more concerned with that question than about the specific details of how and when and where to engage in marital sex.

Like I said above, we have a responsibility to address this critical subject from a biblical standpoint. I think most Christians would agree. But I wonder sometimes if we cross the line from biblical teaching to sensationalism. Or from discussing sex to idolizing it. “Everything is permissible — but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible — but not everything is constructive” (1 Corinthians 10:23). I pray we’ll have the ability to discuss the topic in a way that is both permissible and constructive.

What would you add or take away from my analysis here? 

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